Thank you, next: 2020

I get that this song is much older than 2020 (I think that was 2 years ago?), but I can't think of anything more clever and accurate. You can be grateful it happened, but I know we're all ready to move on and see what 2021 can offer.

Ya know, because as of January one, it's a new world, right?

I don't want to count the year as a total loss. No argument that Covid was the catalyst to what was otherwise going to be a "normal" year. Then throw in the election. Toss in the whole mask debate. On the west coast, we had fires. People losing their jobs. Add social justice, protests, overall awareness into the mix... And that was 2020!

It was like any other year but we all felt a lack of control about where things were going. Traditions and holidays looking different. Cancelled vacations, weddings, graduations, birthdays.

I recognized my level of privilege during covid. I had a job (even got promoted). I was able to pay my mortgage. I wasn't completely isolated. I had the opportunity to work from home, which means goodbye commute and hello more time on my hands. I was working out more and able to eat healthier since I was home more.

The thing that made this year most difficult for me was not something Covid related but again, just it made everything feel much worse. I started experiencing chronic pain in late Summer. After a couple weeks not feeling well, I finally saw a doctor, then another, and another. It's been a life lived upside down since. Five months later, I still do not have a diagnosis. I've seen multiple specialists, western and eastern medicine experts, tried different diets, regiments, physical therapy, drugs, herbs, etc. On average, I go to 2-3 appointments with different specialists per week.

Some days are good, some are bad. There are weeks where I feel like my condition is progressing, and some weeks where I feel like I'm getting worse. Pain is a difficult thing to live with. If you don't have hope and faith, you have nothing to look to during difficult times. Mine personally comes from God to help me see the light that there could be a day with pain or at least life is worth living in spite of it.

Life has changed. I've had to change my habits:

• I miss alcohol. I have used alcohol in the past as a crutch to cope with life. Who doesn't love a stiff drink after a hard day?

• Eating gluten and dairy. It sucks and I slide off the anti-inflammatory bandwagon sometimes, especially on a bad day. Apparently, many tasty things are not great for your body. Weird.

• Running/ working out. It made me feel confident. On the vanity side, my body just looks better, but it's too painful right now.

• Socially. I hate cancelling plans with my friends when I'm not up to it out of the blue. I know it's not me, but the pain talking. I've always been a reliable friend. Especially with covid, where social gatherings are limited, I look forward to them and self quarantine only to back out last minute.

• My mood. It's weird to think there were days where I didn't cry everyday. Days where I was stronger or didn't carry a load so heavy emotionally.

• Where my husband was my husband and not my caretaker, errand runner, manual laborer. Although one would argue in our vows it says for sickness and in health. It's a different dynamic. We're happy and I'm thankful he's patient with me.

On the other hand, I have a lot to be thankful for: I can still walk, I don't have a terminal illness. And hey, I don't have covid either! I try to count my blessings on a daily basis. I had a specialist tell me, "it's good to be optimistic and feel a sense of gratitude that things could be worse, but it's OK to feel sad about the hand that has been dealt to you". Understanding that others have worse pain or ailments doesn't take any of my pain away.

I try to do incorporate doing more things I love in my day. There is little pain to be taken away, but more ways to add joy and distraction into my life. I wish sometimes I had more energy to read, write, or make crafts. For 2020, I had a goal to read 12 books for the year and I got to 10. Most days are unproductive ones, lately, it's been a lot of Gilmore Girls with my heating pad on. I still work 40-50 hours per week, but trust me, there are days where I don't want to work. My life right now consists of work, doctor appointments, online church, walking around my neighborhood, and a lot of resting. That's it.

We as humans don't talk a lot about our pain. For me, as an extrovert, I talk through my emotions in order to process them. I hope this encourages others to know, we are in this together. We will all eventually go through challenging issues like health problems, losing a loved one or our job, have a tree fall on our house (also happened to us in 2020!), or go through a global pandemic. Life happens to us and we all will need to knowhow to turn to our loving support community to help us sort out this grief and frustration .

Health and Happiness in 2021. That's my update! Hoping to do write more so stay tuned! <3